Behind The Amber Eyes

lovesparrow00 @ 2008-06-12T11:08:00

2008-06-11T15:08:00Z

I didn't think to post this but I'm going to anyway. Something I wrote this morning.

It's...i don't know, looks like 6 AM and I still haven't received a call from her. Bad weather outside, my heart racing at the idea that she may be hurt, just wanting my phone to ring so badly. I just care too much and worry about her, try to take care of her so much, so I get really worked up when things like this happen. They happen a lot with her though, which is hard on the heart and creates tears in the eyes. I guess no sleep for me, I can't lay down till I know that my love is safe.

Hoping for a ring,
Ryan

Torn from the inside out...

2008-06-09T18:03:38Z

I'm just so idk. I never figured that when Laura went out to Cali, that so much pain would come with it. Sure, the natural pain of missing her and wanting to be with her is common. I expected to hold my pillow every night, wishing that she was there with me, or dreaming about her or thinking about her during the day. I expected to look at her pictures a million times over and comment with her as much as I can. What I didn't expect is to be lied to, to have a lack of attention, and just feel like a dagger has slowly been twisted around in my heart to where my mind hits....unfortunately, starts to hit depression again. It's a scary feeling again, knowing that a small depression has crept it's way up my leg and start to eat away at me again...

I just can't get over the fact that she lied to me about another guy. Here I held her in such high regard, thinking she'd never lie to me, never hurt me like I've been hurt in the past. I felt I was safe, but it ended up happening, and worst of all with the topic of another guy. She lied to me when I didn't care what they had done, I just wanted to know if she was telling me the truth or not. It just brings up such bad memories, when all I'd hear was lies and all I wanted to do was take a dagger and silence those words. She lost trust with that lie, i don't even know how much. I just can't get over the fact and I still feel a little weird talking to her, cause I don't know if I can believe what comes from her now. It's hard when you can't trust fully the one that you love...

I feel like I have a lack of any attention. I understand that she can't call me 24/7, I accept that but, as I've seen the last day or two, she ended up going into a bathroom just to call me. She can't comprehend how much that means to me, honestly. It means the WORLD to me and I love that she actually did it for a change. But, the lack of attention is still there, for no comments back for me. I did see she had time to comment back to someone else so I don't know, maybe he is more important than I am. And, even if he's not, the action speaks louder than the words. If she had time to comment back to him, why not to me? Especially on the 7th....yea, 5 months with the girl that I love and I give her the chance to say it, comment it, or do something to show that "hey, I remember that we've spent 5 months together and I want to say I love you" but...yea, no statement at all. Not even sure if she remembered, besides the fact that I left a comment on both her profiles and love notes there too. So, yea, guess the attention and how much I matter really shows...

I still just don't know....I'm told not to worry about anything, told not to be hit so hard. But, when everything's crashing around you, when so much stress and sleepless nights and not being able to hold down food gets to you, you can't help it. I'm worried, I don't know why, but I am. And, if I tell her all of this, would she work on it or state that she will and never do? Would she give me the attention I seek when she comes back, squash all rumors, show me that I really am the only one for her? For I do everything in my power for her, give her what I can when she strives, feed her when she's hungry, hold her when she's cold or tired, dance with her when she's needy, love her when her heart aches, and protect her when she needs it most. I try to give so much and do so much, give her every ounce of my being, show her that I am a man worth loving, pleasure her and try to satisfy her in bed ( as little times as we get to make love), be there for her 24/7 (like when i stay up to 5 am waiting for her to call, but sometimes never get it), and show her that with me she'll never have to worry about anything for long. I don't know if I've shown that but god as my witness I will show it every day from now on....if she does it for me as well.

I love Laura, that I DO know. I love her with every breath I take, with every thought in my mind. I'm obsessed with the girl, she rules what world I have left. She is my everything and more, I sometimes don't feel I deserve such an amazing girl like her. She makes green skies blue and oceans sway, she's my angel in disguise. I love her with all my heart and soul.

Till the next writing,
Ryan

Guess it's what I expect...

2008-05-06T04:59:35Z

I sometimes hate how she talks about him. She's with me, I know that. She's with me because she loves me, because she honestly cares and loves me. She's with me because I guess I'm her world. But, he's still in it as well...

When she talks about him, she talks like he was the greatest thing that ever happened to her and I feel like i'll never compare. She talks him up so much, like he's still the world, like he is still with her, like....i don't know....maybe she still has feelings for him. Maybe she still wonders what would've happened if she never found out about the cheating and lies and the stuff he did, not caring if he'd ever hurt her, as long as he got his rocks off, as long as he was ok. That's all he cared about, himself. He cheated, lied, hurt her so bad and I want to take her away from that pain and never let her feel it again. I can't do that though right now.

She tells me about how they used to have sex all the time, that she stopped talking to Matt for him, that she tried to give him everything that she could. Then, I look at myself. I told her that I have a huge sex drive, that I want to be at it to please her, to love her, to MAKE love with her, to show her everything I am. It's not to just get off, it's to show her that I appriciate and love her body, love her mind, want to give her pleasure in every way possible. I want to show her the sun, the moon, the mountains, and the rivers, to show her heaven as we make sweet love. Sure, we can get dirty sometimes, rough, grab at each other's clothes, rip them off, and go at it. Most of the time, though, I just want to make love to her. It just tears my heart open though that I have to hear about how her and Travis went at it so much, tried so many things, did so many things, and I wonder sometimes when I make advances for 2-3 weeks and get rejected. And she told me she had a huge sex drive when I told her I did as well, then she tells me that she doesn't, that she has a small one cause of Travis and Matt. It sucks that I hear this late, cause now I feel like I'm trying to take advantage of her cause I have this sex drive that's through the roof because I am so attracted to her and want to do things to her that she couldn't even begin to believe and then lay her in my arms, breathe so deeply, and fall asleep while I rub her head and send her gently to la la land (her land). It's almost as if I feel she isn't really attracted to me physically or....i don't know. I just rip my heart out hearing how they went at it so much and hearing about this guy. If he means nothing to her, why does he still have a hold of her? I ponder this in my darkness now...

lovesparrow00 @ 2005-10-06T22:27:00

2005-10-06T02:29:18Z

Just for Chesnaye, I'm coming out of hibernation of my livejournal writing to....

WISH YOU A HAPPY BIRTHDAY! I remember all the times that we had, hun. We had such a good time in Orchestra, I viewed you as a mentor to my cello playing. I loved every moment. And, when your hand hit the back of Andrew's head as if it was a simple reflex, I was truly happy. Hun, on this, your 18th birthday, I hope your day comes with glee and filled with joy! HAPPY BIRTHDAY HUN!

PS> The gift will be delayed about 1-2 weeks, for the lack of money cause of my recent car repair and payment. Sorry hun, but I promise I shall send you it ASAP!

LOVE YOU CHESNAYE!
Ryan Maguire

lovesparrow00 @ 2005-07-11T15:33:00

2005-07-11T19:33:35Z

Post and tell me a secret :-D You can be signed in or not, whatever ya want :-D

lovesparrow00 @ 2005-06-19T22:50:00

2005-06-20T03:07:25Z

Known as: Charles Ryan "Presy" Maguire
Lives in: Coral Springs, FL
Birthday: January 13th 1988
School: J. P. Taravella High School
Religion: Roman Catholic
Height: 6'2"
Shoe size: 15
Hair color: brown
Eye color: Amber

Have you ever...

Cheated on someone? no
Been cheated on? Yeah, twice
Fallen off the bed? Yeah, the many times that I have awoken to find myself "naked" in my classroom :-D
Broken someone's heart? Yeah......I don't want to but I can't love everyone
Had your heart broken? Many times....
Had a dream come true? Yeah, but seems to be fading
Done something you regret? Yeah, so many but I accept my faults and move on
Cheated on a test? Yes.....(Cheater)

Do you...

Brush your teeth? yes
Have any piercings? Nope :-D
Drive? YEAH!
Drink? Now and then
Smoke? NO WAY DUDES!
Have a cell? 803-0400

Friends

Who is your best friend? So many to count!
Who do you hate? I try to get along with everyone
Who is the most talkative? Hmmm, so many.....Danielle, Ally, Tina, Viv, CATHY!!!!!!
Who laughs the most? Cathy, Tina
Who have you known longest? Hmmmmm....Nikhil. We've been friends since kindergarten
Who have you known the shortest? Ally (sorry, babe)
Who is the smartest? Not really sure. Depends on the degree
Who is the most ghetto? Ally and Cathy tie
Do you trust your friends? With words of dignity, I swear to them
Can you keep a secret? Yes, unless it's about a sexy new outfit !!!!!!

The last person you...

Hugged? Cathy
IMed? Andrew
Talked on the phone? Cathy
Yelled at? Mom (she was irrational)

Personal

What do you want to be when you grow up? Game programmer and designer/NBA player
What has been the best day of your life? Jan 3, 2004
What comes first in your life? Friends
What are you most scared of? Being alone
What do you think of before you go to bed at night? I pray, my lord, the souls to keep of the ones I love
Did you lose someone you really loved? Yes, my grandmother, my biological mother, my biological father, my dog, Melissa Ohel (she killed our relationship), almost lost Cathy Quincoces (love you baby)
How many times have you fallen in love? Many times, but only truly loved 2 girls: Cathy Quincoces and Melissa Ohel
Love your family? Yes
Love your friends? yes

Favorite

Movie: Hmmmm.....Too Many:Breakfast Club, Finding Nemo (one of my most favorites), Loser, Matrix, Starship Troopers
Song: I swear- All-4-One
Band: Linkin Park
Store: EB Games
Relative: Uncle Carlos
Sport: Bastketball
Ice cream flavor: Cookie Dough
Fruit: Pineapple
Candy: Skittles
Day of the Week: Friday
Time: That time where silence surrounds you and you are at peace
Color: Black
Name of a girl: Listora (Created name)
Name of a boy: Alexander

Do you...

Like to walk in the rain? That's the best feeling in the word
Prefer blue or black pens? Black
Sleep on your side, stomach, or back? Side
Have a goldfish? Once, a toiletbowl ago
Ever have the falling dream? Yeah
Have stuffed animals? Some, most very sentimental to me

What do you think about...

Abortion? Well, I was a child of it
Suicide? I once lived a life of this
Eating disorders? Never should a person of beauty go through this. And, everyone has some type of beauty
Summer? Great time to relax! WOOT!
Tattoos? Want one
Piercings? No thanks, my body doesn't want anymore holes than it all ready has

This or That

Pierced nose or tongue? Neither
Single or taken? Taken
MTV or BET? MTV
7th Heaven or Dawson's Creek: Neither
Sugar or salt? Depends, is it Steak or a girl?
Silver or gold? Silver, in fact, Italian Silver
Chocolate or flowers? Flowers, they bring the beauty in a room, not just a box
Color or black-and-white photos? Black and white give vibrants
M&Ms or Skittles? Skittles
Stay up late or sleep in? Stay up late
Hot or cold? Cold
Mustard or ketchup? Both
Spring or Fall? Fall
Happy or sad? Depends....
Wonder or amazement? Wonder
Mexican or Italian food? DUH! Just like my women-Italian
Lights on or off? Well....I like them off :-D
Candy or Soda? Candy
Pepsi or Coke? Coke

I TAG STAN THE MAN, CATHY CAKES, TINA, VIV, AND ALLY!

lovesparrow00 @ 2005-06-15T15:31:00

2005-06-15T19:36:36Z

Ok, check this out.

Me and my VP (Stan the Man!) have been planning something and now want to reveal our plans so far. On June 25, we want to make an EARLY get together for Orchestra Members. We'd be doing something both in the DAY and NIGHT. Here's our plan so far:

Day: Go to the park, have a park day! THose are always fun! People bring food (1 item) and we have a good day. Probably from 11-4.

Night: We'd all go home, clean up after the park, then head out again to bowling! Bowling is what Stan and I discussed because it can support a lot of people in a very small area. I've been trying to talk to Don Carter's but they really haven't said anything but "The Manager isn't in right now." A-holes. Well, maybe even Dinner and Bowling. Stan and I haven't finalized it but wanted to give you the low-down early. Going to be calling EVERYONE soon and inviting them.

Band Members will be allowed to go upon request. But, I was asked to try and unite the Orchestra since 4th hour and 6th hour was kinda split a little during last year.

Class of 06!
Ryan

lovesparrow00 @ 2005-06-13T02:57:00

2005-06-13T06:57:28Z

Leave your name and I'll tell you what I like the most about you.
Put this on your journal too.

lovesparrow00 @ 2005-06-12T12:00:00

2005-06-12T16:05:15Z

If you could give me, just one word and then existence be futile, say that last word, and let the lazy river cast you away at night. Let that word tremble the forest, the trees sway by the whisper you deny. Let your thoughts begin to soar, taken you to a place you never knew before.

lovesparrow00 @ 2005-06-10T11:29:00

2005-06-10T15:36:06Z

So....

I really should update more for all my fans but I've been....uh, what's the word, busy? Yeah, sure, we'll call it that. Well, I recieved Orchestra President Position and am very happy to have it. I am currently planning a FULL DAY event for the Orchestra at the end of June and an Ice Breaker Party at the end of July/EARLY August. Band/Color Guard/Drama are welcome to come but I am only extending the invitation to Orchestra Members and letting their discretion decide if their friends should come or not. All wrapped up: Think about who you are bringing and who will be there before you actually bring them.

I just got a Radeon 9250 Card installed in my computer and would just like to say that Guild Wars runs BEAUTIFULLY! My username in Guild Wars is Halios Gasinova, if anyone else plays. I play almost everyday because it is such a great game.

School is out. That makes me happy and sad. Happy, for I get to enjoy the solitude of my room without worrying that I have a project due. Bad, for I don't get to see my friends everyday. Everyone has to start calling me more! If you don't have my number, it's 803-0400. GIVE ME A CALL AND IF I DON'T ANSWER, LEAVE A MESSAGE! Grrrrr.........

Well, I'm off to Cathy's little brother's B-day parta! I'll check on my journal tonight, as I have no where to go tonight.

Ryan Maguire

To the class of '05

2005-05-22T13:38:45Z

As we walk down that road,
advancing with each step,
the solitude deafin our ears,
escaping every breath.
Moments we share are captured,
time capsules in our dreams.
Joys and plunders abounding,
ripping at the seams.
We come to a place,
when the road breaks off,
mine keeps going,
but yours just breaks off.
We stare at each other,
hug and salute, as if the same,
I head my way along,
but you just stare without aim.
I turn back to face you,
give a good luck wave and a good bye.
I know we'll miss each other,
but we're too strong to cry.
We'll keep in contact,
no matter the height of tide.
Here's my remembrance,
to the class of 2005.

Good luck to all my seniors and all my juniors leaving. And, if you're not leaving JP Taravella and still love me, or even if you are and love me, give my cell a call at 803-0400. Leave a message, as I won't pick it up most likely. Leave a message about where I can reach you, about the year, and about anything else you want. I love my seniors/leaving trojans and I want to keep incontact with each and every one of you.

To the underclassman: We'll see each other next year but, if you don't think that I have your number or someone's that would love to hang with me, leave me a message in the next couple days. I'm organizing a party during summer and starting to make a guest list. Seniors, you'll get first dibs on places :-D!

To the class of '05, I salute,
Charles Ryan Maguire

lovesparrow00 @ 2005-04-17T23:26:00

2005-04-18T03:34:18Z

The change of thought, deluting once civilized emotions. Taming the dam are waves of fury, crashing with caressing interludes upon the shady shadow, casted by the brick walls that hold back the destruction of the flood. And, with one night, the dam breaks, pouring what's left of hell's fury upon a simple town, washing crying babies, mothers of two, and working men away in the their beds, to enjoy the eternal sleep that is death. The ground is filled with nutrients, for the decay soaks towards the ground, causing a hard shell to congrat around the soil, taking the black ground and smashing it like mud between the toes. Slowly a daisy grows upward. It's petals shine yellow, more yellow than the day has ever seen. It's center spreads the sweet nectur along the ground, spreading its....SMASH! The flower is destroyed by a lightning bolt, sinchin another hope for civilization....

Burn the soul that haunts the river's bed...

lovesparrow00 @ 2005-04-02T09:35:00

2005-04-02T14:37:45Z

Take it with honest answers.

1. My name:
2. Where did we meet?
3. Take a stab at my middle name:
4. How long have you known me?
5. How well do you know me?
6. Do I smoke?
7. When you first met me, what was your impression?
8. My age?
9. My birthday?
10. Hair color?
11. Eye color?
12. Am I tall, or short, or average?
13. Do I have any siblings?
14. Have you ever been jealous of me?
15. Who am I in love with?
16. What is one of my favorite things to do?
17. Do you remember one of the first things I said to you?
18. What's the funniest memory of me?
19. What's my favorite type of music?
20. What is my best feature?
21. What is my worst feature?
22. Do you look up or down on me as a person?
23. Do you think I have morals and values?
24. Am I a leader or a follower?
25. Am I shy or outgoing?
26. Can you picture me dancing?
27. Can you picture me rolling?
28. Would you say I am funny?
29. Am I a rebel or do I follow all the rules?
30. Do I have any special talents?
31. What was/is my best accomplishment?
32. Would you consider me a friend?
33. Do you think i'm snobby, or something else?
34. Have you ever seen me cry?
35. If there was one good nickname for me, what would it be?
36. What is your favorite thing to do with me?
38. Do I do drugs?
39. Have I ever been there for you?
40. Am I fun to be with?
41. Am I smart?
42. Do ya love me?
43. Name one way I have changed your life or made an impact in it?
[These should be interesting.]
44. Have you ever had a crush on me? Do you still?
45. Would you kiss me?
46. Would you go out with me if I asked you?

lovesparrow00 @ 2005-03-31T23:46:00

2005-04-01T04:56:49Z

Damn it, if games you play, I won't play it! I your score- and scorn your soul for the sour taste that has left me here. Take my heart, if that's what you're wrenching for, leaving me a hollow shell, no feelings left in tact. Leave my hollow shell, cold and lonely, shifting between the outer banks and the inner soul. Take my soul, DAMN IT! Take it, so I won't have to feel the pain that these salty tears do, as they break the marble skin of the cells they kill. Let them flow down my chest, spliting my lungs open, so I may yell with my last breath the curse so I may live as a lifeless, souless spirit. This way, so I do not hurt the ones that care so much about me and love me for what they see and know. For only the true ones can see past the mask of regret and take what is left to knowledge and know what is right and wrong in my world. Only they understand the laws of my lands and take them as they are, never breaking them till the moment is right.

I love you all including the ones that hurt me most. I just wish I didn't have to hurt anymore...

I had a really fun night on my first single night. Went to a movie with Jon, PJ, and Hil (Robots was a FUNNY movie) Had a good time and I hope there's more coming. I'm free for the weekend, just planning some stuff with some friends. If you'd like to come, give my cell a call and I'll tell you the location. You'll have a lot of fun, trust me.

Ryan

lovesparrow00 @ 2005-03-30T13:53:00

2005-03-30T18:51:00Z

[b]R.I.P.[/b]

Cathy and Ryan - a love like no other, deceased from the tidal wave.

The sermon makes his way towads the altar, a tear running down his cheek. "We are gathered here to commemorate the life and love of Ryan and Cathy. They were a wonderful love, one of fortune and gathering. From their first day, they felt as though they loved each other and cared so deeply for one another. They held one another through their year, 2 month relationship. But, alas, the wave hit them both, collapsing what remained of their torn body. Finally, at 7:25 AM this morning, they lost their last breath and floated away from each other....I'm sorry...." The sermon steps away, over taken by the mix of feelings.

"His heart must be bursting!" some of the crowd states. They get up to comfort him, well, some do. Some continue to stay sitting, not realizing what has just been said.

A love that was meant to be may never be again.

Ryan aka Sermon Charles

lovesparrow00 @ 2005-03-30T00:15:00

2005-03-30T05:27:35Z

It's uncalled for. I've done nothing to you. I've sacrificed SOOO much for you! I quit the Varsity Basketball team so you'd have someone there! I got you a job, sacrificing my hours, so you could have some cash flow!

Then, you turn around on me, like a summer's eve? WTF (taking Ally's statement)!!!! What have I ever done to make you think that I would ever, EVER cheat on someone like you. You know, I'm not that type. Don't judge me by the multitude of my friends. Look, I said FRIENDS! Friends are not lovers- we don't go out and fuck each other. We hang out, comfort each other, and love each other AS FRIENDS!

Why would I be with you if all I was going to do was cheat on you? Why? Damnit, I'm a fucking Texas Diatist, one who follows Laws of Code set by MYSELF! Damnit! Why would I break my own Code, for one night of pleasure or just a moment's joy?! Am I really that stupid? Do you really think that?

Damnit, what has happened to you? You've eclipsed on me, causing me more pain than I've ever felt before! I haven't done anything to deserve this! Oh, wait! I have! I've tried to love you when you're at your worst! I've tried to give you things, money or other, to let you know that I love you and that I care ONLY for you! Damnit! Why, why, WHYYYYYY!

I'm a mother fucking guy, sure. But, guess what? If you haven't noticed, I'm not like the other ones! If you haven't noticed in our 1 year 2 month relationship that my eyes always dart the opposite way when I know other girls are coming my way! Or my eyes would focus on you, to show you that you're my only attention! I do this to show you that I'm with you and you're the only girl that I want to be with! Well, that's what I used to think....I'm not even sure now.

You've changed. You're always stating that I've changed, that I've done something differently. No, Cathy. You've changed...I've changed, it's true. Because I think that I've fallen out of love.

Why would I cheat on you? Damnit, girl! This is the worst I've ever been insulted. Cathy, I'm not sure what my mind is telling me but...I'm not sure if I can be with you if that is what you think that I would do to you. Obviously, you don't know who I am...damn, I loved you...why...

Damn, I feel so cold, so empty. I feel that depressing feeling creeping over me, like a shadow over a sunny day. I feel so....alone....

Signing off,
Ryan

lovesparrow00 @ 2005-03-25T14:04:00

2005-03-25T19:07:10Z

Ok, Beach Trip - Tomorrow. If you want to/trying to come, call my cellie 803-0400. Even if I don't pick up, leave a message with your name, number, if you can provide transportation, and if you know Chesnaye's number (cause I need it really bad). Other than that, make sure you call!

lovesparrow00 @ 2005-03-23T01:11:00

2005-03-23T06:37:32Z

Warning: Explicit language ahead. This was the only way that I could express my true feelings. After reading this, scroll down one post and take the new survey please. Thanks
_____________________________________________________________________

The stars tonight shine like the tears that soak my face, drenching the spirits of what I thought was true. What must I do to finally realize what my heart is shotting to my brain? Why can't my fucking mind make it's decision! Stop throwing me through loops like a mutt on a leash! I'm a fucking human...that may be my problem. I can feel so much in so little time, tearing what clothes I have from my rippled body and running throught the rain, tears falling from the sky as angels sing my name. When I stop, my heart would collapse, never taken such a beating. Maybe then it'd be able to make it's mind and keep these dreams from happening.

You know, most don't know the signifigance of my journal's title "Behind the Amber Eyes." I used to have a sister, named Amber. She was with me- well, before I say this, I should share what happened to us early in our childhood.

I was born a healthy, chubby baby. My biological mother looked at me, smiling her first smile in my presence- the only true smile she ever gave me. My father looked apon me, probably planning such a future for me. Too bad you fucked up, Dad...Well,we were a family in Texas, seeming to be a gleeful one. Yet, tragedy had to befall such. Seeing that Amber and I drained money from their funds, my parents left us- a 2 year old girl and a baby not 6 months old. They left for the exstacy of drugs- and not the one from having and growing with a family that would be there for ever, the feeling lasting longer than any mix of drugs could ever produce.

Well, we were taken to our grandparent's house in Florida. I love my grandparents. They were the first people to ever show us love. I remember looking upon my grandfather and knowing that I was safe and loved. Well, they couldn't continue to keep us. Their retirement wasn't enough to keep us and they wanted the best for us- they always have. So, they called up a family friend, which came to see both of us. Yet, they chose Amber over me, stating that I was a stubborn little baby and they didn't want a boy or to have to take care of a little boy. Fucking Pricks.

Well, I'm glad that they didn't, because here comes my aunt and uncle down the road. I still get teary when I think of the first day with them. I strolled out of my bedroom and sat at the table with my new family. My first words were. "What's for breakfast, mom?" That look that my parents gave me stuck with me this day, like a sun was finally shining on me and someone finally cared. Well, wasn't long till my bio. mother came back and wanted me back. My aunt and uncle didn't have posession of me so they had to. She got my sister too and we left for Texas again. Well, to make a long story short, we were left in the middle of a city in Texas- again...

Well, I came back to Florida and lived with my Aunt and Uncle. They adopted me around 10-12 years of age and I've been glad ever since. If you've read my "Returning to Pain" essay, you'll know what happened after this whole thing.

So, I met my sister this year. She came down from Ocala and spent a weekend with me. She looks so close to me. We stayed up late at night talking. I loved it. It was like a piece that was missing has finally been screwed in. I felt so whole.

That is the signifigance of what my journal's title means. Amber, where ever you are, I love you and always will. You are, and forever will be, my sister...

Dedicated to Amber Mitchell...my sister...
____________________________________________________________________________________
Well, may be single in a day or two. Cathy and I aren't working out very well and we're talking of ending it to see what it's like away from each other. So, excuse me if I'm in a sad mood in the future, please.

Survey from friends

2005-03-22T04:25:46Z

Stole this quiz from another's LJ. Fill out in the comments about me plz!

1. Who are you?
2. Are we friends?
3. When and how did we meet?
4. How have I affected you?
5. What do you think of me?
6. What's the fondest memory you have of me?
7. How long do you think we will be friends?
8. Do you love me?
9. Do you have a crush on me?
10. Would you kiss me?
11. Would you hug me?
12. Physically, what stands out?
13. Emotionally, what stands out?
14. Do you wish I was cooler?
15. On a scale of 1-10, how hot am I?
16. Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it.
17. Am I loveable?
18. How long have you known me?
19. Describe me in one word.
20. What was your first impression?
21. Do you still think that way about me now?
22. What do you think my weakness is?
23. Do you think I'll get married?
24. What makes me happy?
25. What makes me sad?
26. What reminds you of me?
27. If you could give me anything what would it be?
29. How well do you know me?
29. When's the last time you saw me?
30. Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't?
31. Do you think I could kill someone?
32. Do you think our friendship is getting stronger/weaker/or staying the same?
33. Do you feel that you could talk to me about anything and I would listen?
34. Are you going to put this on your LiveJournal and see what I say about you?

The Question Game

2005-03-21T02:54:08Z

Ask me six questions. Any six, no matter how personal, private or random. I have to answer them honestly. In turn, you must post this message in your own journal. (dont use specific names if it is about someone, my opinion on someone etc. use some kind of clue or something, but nothing specific.)
_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Fun day of working ALL DAY! lol, 11 hours of work straight, my only break being after 10 hours working. But, I'd just like to say that Jordy came in to see me. Sorry Jordy that I was really busy and couldn't talk with you. Sorry again. Tonight was uneven, with help not being everywhere it should've. Sorry again.

You all could learn from Jordy :-D COME SEE ME! I work Monday night at 5 PM till closing (around 11). Come see me plz :-D

On a side note, IHOP is the best at 8:30 AM, before work, and with some good friends that don't care if you walk into the door when you're trying to leave your own house (more on that....nah, nevermind :-D)

Love you all, and IM me if you need ANYTHING. If my Away Message is on, I'm there, just doing something most likely. Just IM me and you'll get a response...maybe :-D

Night all,
Ryan

lovesparrow00 @ 2005-03-20T00:00:00

2005-03-20T04:51:43Z

*TELL ME ABOUT YOURSELF - The Survey*
Name:	Charles Ryan Maguire
Birthday:	1/13/88
Birthplace:	Houstan, Texas
Current Location:	Coral Springs. Florida
Eye Color:	Amber
Hair Color:	Brown
Height:	6'2"
Right Handed or Left Handed:	Right Handed
Your Heritage:	Italian/Irish/Texan
The Shoes You Wore Today:	Black Reebok
Your Weakness:	Letting my guard down
Your Fears:	Being alone, the dark with no one around, my biological mother coming back
Your Perfect Pizza:	What ever the group wants is fine by me
Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year:	Build up more muscle mass and build that perfect six pack (Only got a 4 now)
Your Most Overused Phrase On an instant messenger:	lol, :-D
Thoughts First Waking Up:	Oh, Pamela....oh, it's my room. Damn....
Your Best Physical Feature:	Uh...not really sure. Sunny says my arms, Cathy says my stomach, some girls say my looks. Don't really know, not picky like that
Your Bedtime:	When my head hits the desk
Your Most Missed Memory:
Pepsi or Coke:	Either
MacDonalds or Burger King:	Either
Single or Group Dates:	Either
Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea:	Either
Chocolate or Vanilla:	Either
Cappuccino or Coffee:	Either
Do you Smoke:	No
Do you Swear:	Sometimes when I get mad, but never directed at someone I love
Do you Sing:	Yeah, BADLY!
Do you Shower Daily:	Yeah, but it's Spring Break right now, so .....
Have you Been in Love:	Yes, 2 times. It's wonderful but hurts when it's bad
Do you want to go to College:	Yes, UM, UF, FAU, FSU, or somewhere in Texas
Do you want to get Married:	Yes, with kids please
Do you belive in yourself:	Sometimes
Do you get Motion Sickness:	No
Do you think you are Attractive:	A little
Are you a Health Freak:	NO!
Do you get along with your Parents:	Sometimes
Do you like Thunderstorms:	Yeah
Do you play an Instrument:	Cello
In the past month have you Drank Alcohol:	No
In the past month have you Smoked:	No
In the past month have you been on Drugs:	No
In the past month have you gone on a Date:	Yeah
In the past month have you gone to a Mall:	Yeah
In the past month have you eaten a box of Oreos:	Yeah
In the past month have you eaten Sushi:	No, allergic to fish
In the past month have you been on Stage:	Yeah
In the past month have you been Dumped:	No
In the past month have you gone Skinny Dipping:	Yeah....lol :-D
In the past month have you Stolen Anything:	No
Ever been Drunk:	No
Ever been called a Tease:	YEAH
Ever been Beaten up:	Kinda, but he hit me first so....
Ever Shoplifted:	No
How do you want to Die:	Fast
What do you want to be when you Grow Up:	Programmer, Game Designer
What country would you most like to Visit:	Any
*In a Boy/Girl..*
Favourite Eye Color:	Amber
Favourite Hair Color:	Not specific.
Short or Long Hair:	I love long hair but what ever
Height:	Close enough to reach my lips
Weight:	Well, not a big thing about this either
Best Clothing Style:	Something that defines your body without "showing" your body
Number of Drugs I have taken:	None
Number of CDs I own:	78, exact
Number of Piercings:	0
Number of Tattoos:	0, want to get 1 though
Number of things in my Past I Regret:	So many
CREATE YOUR OWN! - or - GET PAID TO TAKE SURVEYS!

Returning to pain

2005-03-19T10:32:01Z

Returning to pain

I have a disease, one with unexplainable results. It is uncurable, unable to be caught by the onseer. It can spread as slow as a slug in a 100 yard dash or as fast as the black plague. It eats away at your soul, taking everything till an empty shell is left to decompose. It has more killings than AIDS, car crashes, or anything else on the earth.

I developed this disease by fault of my biological mother's return to my families life. This was around the age of 11 or 12, the time when a child is just preparing for the coming years of "teenage life." I was a shy, amber eye colored, little boy that was enjoying what benefits an easy life lends to one of such stature.

She came like a bat out of night, swooping back into the family of Maguires that had accepted her for what she was: hopeless. Yet, her mother (my grandmother) still saw hope in her and, being my grandmother doesn't have long to live, we granted the one last wish of her.

She came back, adopting her old role of loner of the family. She invited me to spend a weekend with her and, feeling the nerves crawl upon my skin, I accepted. I did not know that it would be the mistake that would hurt the most, even if I did it out of love alone.

So, the weekend dawned on me and I ventured north, to Cocoa Beach. She was staying at my grandmother's house and I was to go spend the weekend with them. I arrived, proceeding to give my grandmother a hug and kiss. Then, I saw something move out of the corner of my eye. I turned to discover the remains of my old mother.

Skin sagging from her cheek, her eyes drooped like a zombie awaken from the grave. Her skin was a tint that I had not yet discovered in my years of color identification and she smelled of cigerettes that were drenched in a cheap whiskey.

She opened her mouth, her breath invading my oxygen with the smell of years-old wine. She smiled and proceed to hug me, her arms squeezing as hard as if a three-year-old was hugging a teddy bear. She started to bable, never really creating a subject of interest for me.

Finally, after introductions were concluded, I proceeded to make myself at home while she prepared me something from the kitchen. The rest of the weekend proceeded like this, for most of my time was spent on the couch, as she had unexpected errands that she had to run.

The weekend ended, and I gave her, not knowing myself, the last hug I would ever give her. Then, I jumped into the car of my parents, glad to be within the pressence of cologn-drenched air. We rode home and I proceeded with my routine.

I did not know it, but that weekend had affected me more than I thought. I realized it when my mother left my grandmother's house again, this time stealing precious items. Once I heard of this news, I hurt from the inside. My mind raced with reasons why, but none of them ceased the pain. I continued on like this for days, each day hurting more and more.

When I returned to school, I found myself feeling alone, feeling forgotten. I saw everyone, all my friends and everyone, in a new light. I thought that they all didn't know me, would think differently of me by learning that my mother had ran away again, stealing from my grandmother. I thought people would look at me as a thief, a criminal wearing a mask.

So, I hid behind that mask. I didn't let anyone discover what I thought, bottling up everything that had caused this pain, this blunder within my life. This started to wear at my friendships, for I would always get mad at them because I felt they didn't understand me and they never would.

Finally, my pain had reached a climax. My depression had crawled its way up my body and started to devour my mind. The pain was too much, I wanted to end whatever was causing it. No...I wanted to end the pain.

I remember my parents leaving on their Saturday night date, the one that they had every Saturday night. I would usually go with them, enjoying the benefits of a free dinner. But this night was going to be different. This night...the pain was going to end.

I waited a few minutes, watching the car leave the driveway. Then, I headed for the kitchen. Reaching out, I grabbed my tool, the tool that would end the pain. I looked at it, seeing the reflection of myself and my soul on its cool blade. My hands shook with fear; the fear of being wrong. No, I had come to far I thought to myself. I positioned the tool, preparing to end the pain, then...

The phone rang. I dropped to the ground, pain surging through my body.
The phone rang twice.Tears flooded my eyes, the pain unbearable.

The phone rang a third time. I dropped the blade, running to my rescue.

The next day, I awoke to find a new light streaming through my open windows. I looked to the horizon, finally appriciating the sunrise as it should be.

lovesparrow00 @ 2005-03-18T13:20:00

2005-03-18T18:17:27Z

Post (Annoumously if you'd like) and tell me something that you thought everyone knew but didn't.

Mine: I have a lot of things that I thought people knew. If you didn't know any of these things about me, just ask and I may share my secrets with you.

1) Adopted
2) Suicidal
3) Still a virgin
4) Sensitive
5) One thing that everyone doesn't see is the repsect that I devote into everything I do.
6) Too dedicated, gets hurt easily
7) Depressive
8) Poet/Writer
9) Cello Player

Those are some things that I really thought people knew but didn't. I'm sure there's more, just don't feel like remembering right now. Well, FIRST DAY OF SPRING BREAK!!!!! And I'm stuck doing chores for a little while. Post later guys. C-ya!

Ryan

lovesparrow00 @ 2005-03-17T00:16:00

2005-03-17T05:10:01Z

Post Annoumously and tell me a secret

lovesparrow00 @ 2005-03-15T00:12:00

2005-03-15T05:09:48Z

Just some pics:

Yeah, that's me...:-D